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Journalist Eve Simmons experienced a profound upheaval when her husband unexpectedly asked for a divorce just six months after they got married, despite being partners for nine years before tying the knot. She recalls the moment as devastating, describing it as if “the bottom had fallen out of my world.” However, with hindsight, Eve now recognizes the separation as “the best thing that ever happened” to her. Through conversations with others who have endured similar trials, she realized that many people have found freedom and positive change after leaving what she terms “sub-par” relationships—those that ultimately do not function well.
One important factor in assessing a relationship’s health is communication. Psychotherapist and relationship coach Lucy Beresford explains that troubled couples often fall into the trap of superficial exchanges, mistaking them for true dialogue. A common scenario is a brief “You okay?” followed by “Yeah, I’m fine,” which she calls stonewalling rather than communication. Genuine conversations are crucial because avoiding difficult topics allows tension to build silently. When partners feel they are “not on the same page anymore,” it might signal that they have outgrown the relationship. Lucy points out that when a relationship wears someone down rather than uplifts them, an imbalance is likely present.
Another key indicator involves changes in intimacy. A noticeable reduction in sexual activity or small gestures of affection, such as going out to restaurants or bringing flowers, can signal trouble. Acknowledging these shifts and addressing them through communication is important for maintaining a healthy connection. Counsellor Georgina Sturmer recommends specific approaches to improve conversations: using “I” statements instead of accusatory “you” phrases, choosing appropriate times for delicate discussions, agreeing on a way to pause arguments when they escalate, and understanding different ways partners express and receive affection. This approach helped Katie Smith and her husband navigate a difficult phase in their decade-long marriage, complemented by couples therapy.
Determining whether a relationship is worth saving requires honest reflection on changing needs and values. Lucy Beresford cautions against settling for less than what one truly desires, urging individuals not to spend years wondering about missed opportunities for connection, intellectual stimulation, or starting a family. She advises paying close attention to moments when the notion of leaving shifts from a consideration to a necessity. For example, Margot Davis decided to end her three-year relationship after a candid discussion about marriage and children revealed fundamental incompatibilities. Although difficult, acknowledging such truths allows space for new beginnings and happiness. Ultimately, Lucy reminds us that despite fears spurred by modern dating cultures, “there’s nothing worse than being lonely in a relationship” and encourages embracing the possibility of love and fulfillment rather than clinging to security
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