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The holiday season often comes with expectations to attend numerous social events, which can sometimes feel more burdensome than enjoyable. Many people find themselves saying yes to gatherings or commitments despite not wanting to participate. This reluctance can trigger physical reactions such as a tightening stomach, dry mouth, or an increased heart rate. Dr Xand and Dr Chris van Tulleken, who host the BBC’s wellness podcast *What’s Up Docs*, acknowledge that they have both faced these challenges themselves.
Dr Xand describes the difficulty of declining invitations, stating, “We both get the wobbly voice. It’s so hard to go, ‘actually, I don’t want to do this thing you’re asking me to do. I don’t want to go along with the thing we’re all expected to go along with.'” He emphasizes that becoming more comfortable with saying no is a crucial step toward gaining greater control over one’s life. “Whether you’re eight or 80, saying no, and sticking up for what you believe in is actually quite important for your mental health,” he adds.
Behavioural scientist Dr Sunita Sah offers practical advice for those struggling to set boundaries. First, she encourages people to recognize that saying no is acceptable and necessary. Many individuals have been conditioned to equate obedience with being “good,” making rejection feel uncomfortable. Dr Sah points out, “Children get lots of training in compliance, but they need to receive training in defiance too.” She believes that reframing saying no as a positive expression of one’s values—such as integrity or compassion—can empower people to make better decisions aligned with what really matters to them. Writing down these values can make it easier to act in accordance with them.
Another strategy Dr Sah recommends is giving yourself more time to respond before agreeing to a request. Utilizing phrases like “Let me think on this” or “That’s really interesting, let me get back to you” provides valuable space to consider whether you truly want to commit. She explains that creating both psychological and physical distance helps in this process: “We can get that psychological distance from talking to ourselves and asking, ‘Do you really want to do this?'” Finally, for those who find it difficult to say no in important moments, Dr Xand advises practicing in everyday low-stakes situations—like politely declining a neighbour’s invitation or refusing to engage with a salesperson. These small acts build confidence, making it easier to uphold personal boundaries when it truly counts
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